I blogged a lot of shenanigans throughout the last year, but this series has by far been my favorite. For the year 2012, you can expect even more hilarity as each month I will cover 12 of the most popular, relevant, preposterous, outrageous, hilarious, or just plain stupid Google queries that have, for one reason or another, stranded a reader at my blog.
In this edition of The Things They Google I'll be stooping to give the readers what they're asking for. I know, it's a dangerous world out there, fraught with reckless googlers who'd rather hit up an internet search engine before they deign to use their brains, but what can I say? It's 2012 now. Time for me to give up the ghost of old ways and succumb to the frippery.
For this edition, it's all about
you, the reader.
Yes,
you there, who is looking for the
blonde haired ventriloquist dummies. Or you, who wants to learn how to
make your own Princess Aurora tiara. Even you, good sir, who, for some incalculable reason, googled
"i'm trying to be your" man.
Give the people what they want, I say! Though by what "they" want, of course I mean what
I want, and what I want is
more cowbell an unparsimonious dose of snark!
To the person searching for a
reproval look, sad to say the best I could come up with was this photo from seven years ago. That's right, count 'em.
Sev-en! Still the same Aimee, just a different shade of hair and... well, quite seven years younger. But look at that finger-pointing action! Look at that... okay, well, technically this would be a lot more intimidating if I had the spectacles on and was peering over the top of them, making you feel as if at any second you might be obliterated by the caustic punch of my glare, but we make do with what we have! In this economy, you have to take what you can get. So you want reproval? I'll give you reproval... as frugally as can be done.
Combover? Who actually googles
that? Well, I aim to please, so here you go:
(Yeah, yeah, I get it. It doesn't exactly work with curly hair. So why were
you clicking on
this blog in search of combover'd answers
anyway? The world needs to know.)
Also, I hate to break it to he/she who is looking for an
obese toad, the
World's biggest coin worth 70 million, and the
goa'uld empire. I've none of those things. Nor do I happen to
be any of those things. If I had the coin, you better believe I wouldn't be sitting in chilly Indiana blogging about combovers and obese toads, but rather'd be off and sailing in some tropical ocean on a boat the size of a small European country, sipping coconut milk from an actual coconut. And the goa'uld empire? Seriously? That show's been canceled...
Someone wants to know about
George Clooney dibs. Lady (...or Sir... I don't judge...), you can
have him. Someone else wants to know if there's an
aimee with a giraffe tattoo. You've come to the wrong Aimee, for I've none.
nathan fillion moustache? All I have to say to you is
does he look like he's got a moustache? No? Then why are you asking me all these questions for?
Finally: someone is trying to bait me, but it won't work. To the
concerned endangered citizen who googled
only aimee is most likely too young to blog, oh har-har. Very funny. OnlyAimee might
look too young to eat in the pub without getting carded, and OnlyAimee might seem too young to be the manager of the business, and OnlyAimee might constantly be questioned as to what grade she is in.
But I assure you that
OnlyAimee isn't laughing. She is far from this "too young to blog" that you speak of, and further still from being too young to eviscerate you in fiction, nonfiction, or any other artistic medium with which she can muster a modicum of wherewithal. It has been duly noted, and you have been appropriately warned.
So take a pause next time before you google yourself to infamy-ever-after. (So say we all.)
